Why? WHY?!?! Chronic lack of motivation sucks! I have an Algorithms test in 10 hours... which I have barely studied for. I meant to study all this afternoon and get a decent amount of sleep tonight, but I've wasted the last 8 hours on the internet, and now I'll get no sleep. I just hope I actually study. Blah.
This is the story of my life. It's just gotten far worse in the past 6 months, but I've lacked motivation to accomplish serious things ever since I can remember. I took two years to get through first grade because I couldn't be arsed to actually do any work. Either I'm seriously deluded as to what I enjoy doing, or I have problems.
Bah. Off to buy energy drinks and pray I don't waste them.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Stupid? Or not?
Yeah, I know I have better things to spend $200 on, like, oh, saving it for pocket money in Germany, but I just bought an 80GB iPod on eBay for $200.
I didn't buy it because it was an iPod. I don't give a crap about the iTunes music store. I bought it because it seemed like the overall best option for a device to put RockBox on. It looks good, it's built well, and it has plenty of space. I can dump all my music on there, and leave it there. If the hard drive works well enough, I'll just move all my music onto it and free up the space on my laptop. I have over 35GB of music, so that will be a big win.
The device.
I didn't buy it because it was an iPod. I don't give a crap about the iTunes music store. I bought it because it seemed like the overall best option for a device to put RockBox on. It looks good, it's built well, and it has plenty of space. I can dump all my music on there, and leave it there. If the hard drive works well enough, I'll just move all my music onto it and free up the space on my laptop. I have over 35GB of music, so that will be a big win.
The device.
Well, then
Since I assume no one reads this, I'll make it a sort of diary. If you find my blog, yay, you win a window into my mind.
So I have...people issues, which I'll explore later. This has resulted in me being an extremely lonely person. If I had moved onto campus three years ago, maybe I would be better off today, but I didn't. I chose to live at home. Overtly, this was for financial reasons: even living 20 minutes away from campus, driving cost about half of what living on campus would have. However, I bet there was probably some amount of "yay, I don't have to face people" there, even if it was subconscious.
Social issues are largely why I quit going to swing dance in the middle of last semester. I tell people "oh, I just didn't go the week of my midterms, and then never went back," but that's an excuse. Progressing beyond the basics in swing requires trust and intimate connections with people. It also requires small talk, because it feels really stupid dancing with someone and ignoring them while dancing. So, rather than face my fears, I stopped going to swing. I ran away.
What was the point there? Oh, right. I've been telling myself for the past semester and a half that I should apply for housing on campus. However, even though my main reason for moving onto campus (as opposed to into an apartment) would be to help me meet people and overcome my fears, the thought of living with other people also somewhat scares me. But I've finally jumped that hurdle; I applied for the ECS LLC last week and was accepted immediately. So I'll be moving out next semester.
I hope - and at the same time fear - that my life will be radically different. We'll see.
So I have...people issues, which I'll explore later. This has resulted in me being an extremely lonely person. If I had moved onto campus three years ago, maybe I would be better off today, but I didn't. I chose to live at home. Overtly, this was for financial reasons: even living 20 minutes away from campus, driving cost about half of what living on campus would have. However, I bet there was probably some amount of "yay, I don't have to face people" there, even if it was subconscious.
Social issues are largely why I quit going to swing dance in the middle of last semester. I tell people "oh, I just didn't go the week of my midterms, and then never went back," but that's an excuse. Progressing beyond the basics in swing requires trust and intimate connections with people. It also requires small talk, because it feels really stupid dancing with someone and ignoring them while dancing. So, rather than face my fears, I stopped going to swing. I ran away.
What was the point there? Oh, right. I've been telling myself for the past semester and a half that I should apply for housing on campus. However, even though my main reason for moving onto campus (as opposed to into an apartment) would be to help me meet people and overcome my fears, the thought of living with other people also somewhat scares me. But I've finally jumped that hurdle; I applied for the ECS LLC last week and was accepted immediately. So I'll be moving out next semester.
I hope - and at the same time fear - that my life will be radically different. We'll see.
Monday, March 3, 2008
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